Spilling my guts

I've been feeling like a big fat failure the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I have cut back on my "happy pills" or what but I just don't feel good about myself and how my personal and professional life are going.

First off, I spend way way waaaaay too much time alone.  It's gotten so bad that I'm beginning to have trouble articulating myself in such a way that I don't get flustered at the simplest thing like when someone asks me if I'm done using a shopping cart, I say "Umm, I have my groceries, thanks" why can't I just say "Yes, I am"?  Here's a better example, the other day I had to go to the Mac store to get a new power cord for my laptop.  I went in, didn't see the item I needed and when I asked one of the people working there I mine as well have been speaking alien because my question came out in such a way, and I started stuttering, that the guy just stared blankly at me

Me:"Hi, I need to get a new adapter for my laptop"
Guy: "What do you have"
Me: "Um it's the white lap top, it's about four years old, a Mac iBook I think"
Guy: Just stood there staring at me

I was so flustered.  Eventually he figured out what I was asking, but for fucks sake, Romny! 

I'd like to be in a relationship. But at any inkling of any guy remotely interested in me puts up red flags in my head and every fiber in my body screams "NO! HE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE YOU, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT". Everyone says "you are hilarious" I guess that's the equivalent to saying I have "personality", aka the compliment of doom.  I try to fight those demons and when I do show a little vulnerability I'm quickly shut down and thus proves my original thoughts that I wasn't worth it.  I'm encroaching the last year of my 30's and I'm still single and it's really really...did I say really starting to weigh on me.  I don't know if I can go through another death or health scare alone.  People that have had that person to lean on just don't get it.  When people say that they are impressed that I can handle situations like getting locked out of my car or having to change a tire well, ummm, what else am I supposed to do!?  There is no support system to call for help.  I'm it, dumb ass!


Anyone have a crystal ball?

The Name Game

Before I was born my parents had a bet. If I was a girl, my dad would name me, if I was a boy, my mom would....well, I'm a girl with what is more often than not mistaken for a boys name. Not sure if my dad was smoking something or he hit his head but he chose a name that has become more of a game than anything.

The original spelling of my name has an "e" before the "y" but my dad thought it was too pretentious so he dropped it. I wish he realized that about 90% of people end up spelling it with an "e" anyways so 90% of the time I have to correct people.

In highschool I had an English teacher that called me by the wrong name completely! She would get so mad at me for not responding to her when she called on me. She would call me "Aubrey". Where the hell she got that from, not sure, but it became a joke.

When I make a call to order a pizza or am at the coffee shop and they ask me my name the conversations would go like this:

"name"
"Romny"
"what"
"Romny"
"huh"
"R O M N Y"
"what's your first name"
"Romny"
"what"
"oh nevermind"

So now whenever I have to either ordersomething over the phone or am in line for coffee and they ask me my name, I say "Alice". I just need to remember to respond when I am called.