The Blue Dot

No, not the restaurant, the blue round stone that I found in my bag today. It has this question printed on it : "What would you attempt to do it you knew you could not fail"?  Here's a few things that come to mind:

-Get a job where I felt like I was contributing and growing
-Finish three books this week
-Go on a walk after work
-write more
-put myself out there more
-learn to let go
-finish cleaning out my garage

That's all I can think of right now. 

Being Human

There’s always that one moment where two people connect.  Not just for a superficial reason but for a deep, spiritual, emotional, understanding that they connect.  No words need to be exchanged.  It could be a glance, a stance, or just an unspoken knowing.  This is a gift that doesn’t come around very often and when it does, it should be embraced and not taken for granted.

For me this experience happened when I went to pick up the ashes of my six month old kitten.   I picked up Twist and behind me was a lady who I overheard telling the receptionist that she too was there to pick up her recently departed pet.  I walked out of the vet and she soon followed suit.  She was parked right next to me and in that one moment we both had a glance of understanding.  Our beloved pets were reduced to ashes in a box and sitting in the front seat of both our cars.  I got out of my car and went around to her car and we both just hugged each other and had a little cry. 

It was a beautiful rationalization of human perceptive and compassion.  In that one moment we didn’t need to explain ourselves, we were strangers, and yet we were feeling, thinking, and acting on the same thing.  Two strangers for just that one split second in our lives knew that instinctively, just a hug was all we needed at that time.

Sure we both went home and buried our sorrow but after picking up our pets the wound was just as fresh as the instant the doctor said “I’m sorry”.  That one moment is so surreal that it will forever remind me that human compassion is the most underappreciated and misunderstood emotion.  It also taught me, to follow my heart, when it’s obvious that someone is in pain, all they need is a hug, kind word, or just someone to stop and listen to what they have to say.  We are all so busy in our own little lives that our blinders have been infused to our heads that recognizing someone’s pain and need for human compassion is often ignored. 

The Boob Crusher

You know those kids in kindergarten that get labeled as the "glue or crayon eater"?  Well, In the midst of loosing one cat I adopted another cat and she is one of those except she prefers paper & computer cords.   Even though she is a paper/cord eater, Lenore has been my savior.  She saved Oliver from loneliness after Twist died and she saved me from hitting the bottom of the despair bucket when Oliver died.   I've had her for only two months but in those two months she's managed to eat almost all of the paper products, taken over as the alpha of the house, and managed to get herself stuck up the chimney which when she eventually did get out resulted in a dunk in the bathtub.  When Lenore runs, it's like that a cartoon because she tip toes on all four legs and scurries around.   Lenore likes to knead me.  I like it too but mostly because she does it in such a funny way.  Most cats just sit down and use the front two feet, Lenore uses all four feet at the same time.  It's like she's marching in place.

One thing that I'm trying to teach her not to do is to stand on my boobs!  She doesn't understand that it hurts!   She wants to snuggle which I don't mind but she wants to sit right on my chest.  Especially when I'm trying to catch up on my shows on Hulu, write an email, or just surf the net.  She wants to be right in front of the screen.  I've discovered that although hugs and pets are warmly received she doesn't take kindly to kissing so when she is sitting on my boobs all I have to say is "I guess you want kisses then?" and she hops off.  I'm hoping this is just a phase because I don't think my boobs or I can take it much longer. 

Oliver

Geeze, enough already universe!  Tuesday was yet again the day from hell.  It started out o.k. work was so so and I had my first client! Then IT happened...IT happened again!  I had been noticing for about a week that Oliver's third eyelid in each eye was protruding out.  Sunday night, I emailed the vet to ask about it.  Tuesday afternoon the vet called me and said to bring him in because it could be a sign he is sick.  After my session, I chased him around and finally got him into the carrying case....not before noticing that he was dragging his back legs.  "Oh no, he's sprained or torn something in his leg".  Got him to the vet where upon when they took him out of the case he had completely seized up.  Sound familiar? Twist

The vet technician whisked him away....that one moment is ingrained into my memory forever now.  10 min later the vet came in to explain that Oliver was sick.  My baby boy was VERY sick.  He had the feline equivalent of what happens to athletes when they are perfectly healthy one minute and drop dead due to heart failure the next.    She did xrays and found that his heart was enlarged and blood clots were in his legs (which would explain the dragging of the feet).  I could not believe this was happening AGAIN!  The vet was super nice and was very through in explaining to me what was happening but at the same time she was trying to tell me (without sounding cruel) that it's not good and he will most likely not make it.  WTF!  What is happening to my babies!!!! 

Shortly after she left she came back in and brought me to him.  He was on a table, tubes sticking in and out of him, they were doing CPR but his tongue was already purple.  One minute later, he was gone.  I'm stunned, dismayed, flabbergasted, and deeply deeply hurt by this....but you know what, at least I now know what happened to Twist.  They are together now, playing, running, wrestling, and most likely loving being together again. 

Goodbye my baby boy, you also left a big hole in my heart, and an even bigger one in my wallet, but mostly my heart.  I'm sorry you were sick, I'm sorry I didn't get you to the vet sooner but I'm glad you are no longer hurting.  I'm going to miss your flavorful remarks at meal times, your instance of shoving your balls (or there lack of) in my face, and the way you would hug my feet in the morning as if it say "GET UP MOMMA".  Thank you for letting me be your mommy.  Goodbye, Lovie.

Sickie Von Sickington

Two weeks ago I was the sickest I've ever been in years.  I couldn't move an inch without having problems breathing and had to sit down after walking one flight of stairs.  I hadn't eaten anything in seven days and when I would try, it would just come back up.  I had gone to the doctors and she suspected a kidney infection and left me with this piece of advice.  If I don't eat something in the next two hours, I needed to get myself to the emergency room.  Thus the sick adventure began. 

First up, projectile vomiting in the car...this happened on my way home from the doctors.  I was four blocks from home and I started getting this nauseous feeling and all of the sudden it just came up.  CRAP, I make a split decision and veer off onto a side street, screeching to a halt and opening the door at the same time I let it fly, all the while hoping no one drives past me and in line of vomit.  Once I was convinced the episode was over, I hightailed it back home and for the first time in 20 something years, I had to call my mom to come help me.

My mom came a few hours later and by then I was a disgrace.  The poor kitties had not been fed dinner, they were starving, and they were too scared to sit with me for fear of being puked upon.  My mom stayed with me for two fun filled, well, fun for her, days.  Yes, I said days, whereupon I found that she had gone on a shopping spree, somehow unprogrammed the washing machine, couldn't work the T.V. oh, and did I mention she lost the cat? 

I was starting to feel a bit better and was able to sit up for more than 2 minutes.  She came into my room and started bawling that she lost the cat:

Mom: I lost the cat
Me: Huh?
Mom: I can't find Lenore.  I've looked everywhere
Me:  She's gotta be around here somewhere.  You DID keep all the doors closed, right?
Mom: (now really starting to cry) Yes.  She's not anywhere.
Me: Mom, stop crying I can't handle it I say while wobbling around looking in nooks and crannies and an hour later it was discovered she was in the garage.

SOMEONE didn't keep the doors closed...  Oh, and while all of this is happening, my mom got in touch with her hippie self and decided to burn sage to get rid of the bad energy.  Now, if you've ever burned sage then you know it burns up like a Christmas tree.   So in the midst of me doing my best 95 year old lady impression, the cat on her own little adventure, my mother bawling while almost setting the house ablaze a moment of clarity happened. 

No, you don't choose your family, and sometimes it's the little quarks of family that can get you through the sickest of times.  If I haven't said it already, thanks mom. 

Spilling my guts

I've been feeling like a big fat failure the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I have cut back on my "happy pills" or what but I just don't feel good about myself and how my personal and professional life are going.

First off, I spend way way waaaaay too much time alone.  It's gotten so bad that I'm beginning to have trouble articulating myself in such a way that I don't get flustered at the simplest thing like when someone asks me if I'm done using a shopping cart, I say "Umm, I have my groceries, thanks" why can't I just say "Yes, I am"?  Here's a better example, the other day I had to go to the Mac store to get a new power cord for my laptop.  I went in, didn't see the item I needed and when I asked one of the people working there I mine as well have been speaking alien because my question came out in such a way, and I started stuttering, that the guy just stared blankly at me

Me:"Hi, I need to get a new adapter for my laptop"
Guy: "What do you have"
Me: "Um it's the white lap top, it's about four years old, a Mac iBook I think"
Guy: Just stood there staring at me

I was so flustered.  Eventually he figured out what I was asking, but for fucks sake, Romny! 

I'd like to be in a relationship. But at any inkling of any guy remotely interested in me puts up red flags in my head and every fiber in my body screams "NO! HE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE YOU, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT". Everyone says "you are hilarious" I guess that's the equivalent to saying I have "personality", aka the compliment of doom.  I try to fight those demons and when I do show a little vulnerability I'm quickly shut down and thus proves my original thoughts that I wasn't worth it.  I'm encroaching the last year of my 30's and I'm still single and it's really really...did I say really starting to weigh on me.  I don't know if I can go through another death or health scare alone.  People that have had that person to lean on just don't get it.  When people say that they are impressed that I can handle situations like getting locked out of my car or having to change a tire well, ummm, what else am I supposed to do!?  There is no support system to call for help.  I'm it, dumb ass!


Anyone have a crystal ball?

The Name Game

Before I was born my parents had a bet. If I was a girl, my dad would name me, if I was a boy, my mom would....well, I'm a girl with what is more often than not mistaken for a boys name. Not sure if my dad was smoking something or he hit his head but he chose a name that has become more of a game than anything.

The original spelling of my name has an "e" before the "y" but my dad thought it was too pretentious so he dropped it. I wish he realized that about 90% of people end up spelling it with an "e" anyways so 90% of the time I have to correct people.

In highschool I had an English teacher that called me by the wrong name completely! She would get so mad at me for not responding to her when she called on me. She would call me "Aubrey". Where the hell she got that from, not sure, but it became a joke.

When I make a call to order a pizza or am at the coffee shop and they ask me my name the conversations would go like this:

"name"
"Romny"
"what"
"Romny"
"huh"
"R O M N Y"
"what's your first name"
"Romny"
"what"
"oh nevermind"

So now whenever I have to either ordersomething over the phone or am in line for coffee and they ask me my name, I say "Alice". I just need to remember to respond when I am called.