I've been feeling like a big fat failure the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I have cut back on my "happy pills" or what but I just don't feel good about myself and how my personal and professional life are going.
First off, I spend way way waaaaay too much time alone. It's gotten so bad that I'm beginning to have trouble articulating myself in such a way that I don't get flustered at the simplest thing like when someone asks me if I'm done using a shopping cart, I say "Umm, I have my groceries, thanks" why can't I just say "Yes, I am"? Here's a better example, the other day I had to go to the Mac store to get a new power cord for my laptop. I went in, didn't see the item I needed and when I asked one of the people working there I mine as well have been speaking alien because my question came out in such a way, and I started stuttering, that the guy just stared blankly at me
Me:"Hi, I need to get a new adapter for my laptop"
Guy: "What do you have"
Me: "Um it's the white lap top, it's about four years old, a Mac iBook I think"
Guy: Just stood there staring at me
I was so flustered. Eventually he figured out what I was asking, but for fucks sake, Romny!
I'd like to be in a relationship. But at any inkling of any guy remotely interested in me puts up red flags in my head and every fiber in my body screams "NO! HE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE YOU, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT". Everyone says "you are hilarious" I guess that's the equivalent to saying I have "personality", aka the compliment of doom. I try to fight those demons and when I do show a little vulnerability I'm quickly shut down and thus proves my original thoughts that I wasn't worth it. I'm encroaching the last year of my 30's and I'm still single and it's really really...did I say really starting to weigh on me. I don't know if I can go through another death or health scare alone. People that have had that person to lean on just don't get it. When people say that they are impressed that I can handle situations like getting locked out of my car or having to change a tire well, ummm, what else am I supposed to do!? There is no support system to call for help. I'm it, dumb ass!
Anyone have a crystal ball?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Name Game
Before I was born my parents had a bet. If I was a girl, my dad would name me, if I was a boy, my mom would....well, I'm a girl with what is more often than not mistaken for a boys name. Not sure if my dad was smoking something or he hit his head but he chose a name that has become more of a game than anything.
The original spelling of my name has an "e" before the "y" but my dad thought it was too pretentious so he dropped it. I wish he realized that about 90% of people end up spelling it with an "e" anyways so 90% of the time I have to correct people.
In highschool I had an English teacher that called me by the wrong name completely! She would get so mad at me for not responding to her when she called on me. She would call me "Aubrey". Where the hell she got that from, not sure, but it became a joke.
When I make a call to order a pizza or am at the coffee shop and they ask me my name the conversations would go like this:
"name"
"Romny"
"what"
"Romny"
"huh"
"R O M N Y"
"what's your first name"
"Romny"
"what"
"oh nevermind"
So now whenever I have to either ordersomething over the phone or am in line for coffee and they ask me my name, I say "Alice". I just need to remember to respond when I am called.
The original spelling of my name has an "e" before the "y" but my dad thought it was too pretentious so he dropped it. I wish he realized that about 90% of people end up spelling it with an "e" anyways so 90% of the time I have to correct people.
In highschool I had an English teacher that called me by the wrong name completely! She would get so mad at me for not responding to her when she called on me. She would call me "Aubrey". Where the hell she got that from, not sure, but it became a joke.
When I make a call to order a pizza or am at the coffee shop and they ask me my name the conversations would go like this:
"name"
"Romny"
"what"
"Romny"
"huh"
"R O M N Y"
"what's your first name"
"Romny"
"what"
"oh nevermind"
So now whenever I have to either ordersomething over the phone or am in line for coffee and they ask me my name, I say "Alice". I just need to remember to respond when I am called.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Twist
If I had to choose one lesson in life to share with the world it would be don't take anything for granted because you never know when it will be taken away. I know, sounds cliche but i had to be reminded, yet again, of this lesson last night.
Last night around 8:30 p.m. I lost my six month old kitten, Twist. I don't know what happened, and honestly, I'm comfortably numb about this. The vet had no answers and could not pin point cause of death. One minute he was running around and the next he completely seized up. When I got him to the emergency vet, within 5 min they reported that he stopped breathing and they were doing CPR. Within 10 min after getting him to the vet, they reported his heart stopped and he wasn't responding. My stubborn, instigator, troublemaker,black as night love bug was gone. Twist leaves behind his brother Oliver. Oliver is taking this rather elegantly. He slept most of this first day without his playmate, brother, and fellow bathroom buddy. He also spent a bit of time walking around the house looking for Twist. He knows something happened because he can feel it in the air and in me. I just hope he knows that I tried to save his brother but it was too late. Twist also leaves behind a few lessons:
-don't be afraid to poke the bear every once in a while. Especially if the bear overslept.
-Curiosity did not kill the cat.
-Live up to your name with more conviction than you could ever expect.
-Sometimes a hiss is just a hiss.
When other people would come over he would hide or hiss at them. But he was my love bug. He snuggled next to me, he purred in my ear, and sometimes he'd let me pet him. I'll miss you love bug. Thank you for letting me be your mommy. You left a big hole in my heart,and my wallet, but mostly my heart.
Last night around 8:30 p.m. I lost my six month old kitten, Twist. I don't know what happened, and honestly, I'm comfortably numb about this. The vet had no answers and could not pin point cause of death. One minute he was running around and the next he completely seized up. When I got him to the emergency vet, within 5 min they reported that he stopped breathing and they were doing CPR. Within 10 min after getting him to the vet, they reported his heart stopped and he wasn't responding. My stubborn, instigator, troublemaker,black as night love bug was gone. Twist leaves behind his brother Oliver. Oliver is taking this rather elegantly. He slept most of this first day without his playmate, brother, and fellow bathroom buddy. He also spent a bit of time walking around the house looking for Twist. He knows something happened because he can feel it in the air and in me. I just hope he knows that I tried to save his brother but it was too late. Twist also leaves behind a few lessons:
-don't be afraid to poke the bear every once in a while. Especially if the bear overslept.
-Curiosity did not kill the cat.
-Live up to your name with more conviction than you could ever expect.
-Sometimes a hiss is just a hiss.
When other people would come over he would hide or hiss at them. But he was my love bug. He snuggled next to me, he purred in my ear, and sometimes he'd let me pet him. I'll miss you love bug. Thank you for letting me be your mommy. You left a big hole in my heart,and my wallet, but mostly my heart.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
To Help or Not To Help
There's a lot of emphasis on being "NICE" and
"HELPFUL" these days but when it comes to asking for help, I'm the worst. I prefer to seek out answers or solutions to problems on my own and when (and only when) do I run into a snagg do I ask for a little direction. I don't ask for anyone to solve my problem for me, I just need to be pointed in the right direction and given a little shove. I've noticed more and more these days, and especially in adults my age, when they ask for help what they really mean is "you do it for me because I'm too lazy to figure it out on my own". This attitude doesn't bode well with me and my usual response to this is "I'll show you where to go but I'm not going to do it for you".
In college, I had a commute buddy. We would drive from Santa Rosa to San Rafael a few times a week. We were in the same major so we had the majority of our classes at the same time. We commuted pretty much everyday until one morning on our way to school he had forgotten to finish an assignment. I had already finished said assignment, turned it in, and gotten it back. He asked me to give him my work, he would "tweak" it and turn it in as his own...UMMMMMMM NO, was my answer.
"She'll never know"
"I'll know"
"Oh, comeon, I thought you were cool"
"I thought you were SMART"
Ever since that day, his attitude towards me changed and he really didn't talk to me anymore. I'm not surprised. He ended up dropping out citing finances but in all honesty, I think he just couldn't cut it. He was a nice guy, a great writer, but still a little stupid and you know, you can't fix that.
So why is it when people don't like your response to them asking for help they suddenly excommunicate you from their life or worse, go to someone else and sing their praises for "helping" them. When infact, they weren't being helped at all they were being coddled. Take a little initative, do the grunt work, and try to figure it out on your own. What is so bad about that.
Do I care if I'm not being nice? I think there is a fine line between pointing someone in the right direction and letting them finish the job on their own rather than doing it for them. The person asking for help will never understand what you did nor will they be able to replicate your methodology of "helping". I think by doing the work for someone or just givng the answer to them without any expalaination is a huge diservce.
I've tried the "Being Nice" route and it got me labeled as the pushover and taken for granted. I'm learning to stand up for myself so am I being a bitch, no, not in my opinion.
"HELPFUL" these days but when it comes to asking for help, I'm the worst. I prefer to seek out answers or solutions to problems on my own and when (and only when) do I run into a snagg do I ask for a little direction. I don't ask for anyone to solve my problem for me, I just need to be pointed in the right direction and given a little shove. I've noticed more and more these days, and especially in adults my age, when they ask for help what they really mean is "you do it for me because I'm too lazy to figure it out on my own". This attitude doesn't bode well with me and my usual response to this is "I'll show you where to go but I'm not going to do it for you".
In college, I had a commute buddy. We would drive from Santa Rosa to San Rafael a few times a week. We were in the same major so we had the majority of our classes at the same time. We commuted pretty much everyday until one morning on our way to school he had forgotten to finish an assignment. I had already finished said assignment, turned it in, and gotten it back. He asked me to give him my work, he would "tweak" it and turn it in as his own...UMMMMMMM NO, was my answer.
"She'll never know"
"I'll know"
"Oh, comeon, I thought you were cool"
"I thought you were SMART"
Ever since that day, his attitude towards me changed and he really didn't talk to me anymore. I'm not surprised. He ended up dropping out citing finances but in all honesty, I think he just couldn't cut it. He was a nice guy, a great writer, but still a little stupid and you know, you can't fix that.
So why is it when people don't like your response to them asking for help they suddenly excommunicate you from their life or worse, go to someone else and sing their praises for "helping" them. When infact, they weren't being helped at all they were being coddled. Take a little initative, do the grunt work, and try to figure it out on your own. What is so bad about that.
Do I care if I'm not being nice? I think there is a fine line between pointing someone in the right direction and letting them finish the job on their own rather than doing it for them. The person asking for help will never understand what you did nor will they be able to replicate your methodology of "helping". I think by doing the work for someone or just givng the answer to them without any expalaination is a huge diservce.
I've tried the "Being Nice" route and it got me labeled as the pushover and taken for granted. I'm learning to stand up for myself so am I being a bitch, no, not in my opinion.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
TMI for Facebook
I'm taking que from Jenn and commenting on the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, things are considered TMI even for Facebook.
Things I'd like to post but am too embarrassed to:
-just bought a new bra. My boobs look like midsized torpedos.
-Consitpated...again
-wishes it was socially acceptable to throw rocks at squirrels
-Damn this flappy booger
-it's pruning night!
-I'm out of batteries! FUCK!
Things I'd like to post but am too embarrassed to:
-just bought a new bra. My boobs look like midsized torpedos.
-Consitpated...again
-wishes it was socially acceptable to throw rocks at squirrels
-Damn this flappy booger
-it's pruning night!
-I'm out of batteries! FUCK!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
For Reals?
A friend of mine forwarded a posting from another blog about perfection and the misguided attributes it portrays. How being real is the most purest form of perfection. I've been thinking about this blog over the last few days and some of it really hit home. Growing up I was never allowed to be real. My mother was always concerned about what other people thought and god forbid I be seen in public with a wrinkly shirt or piercings and tattoos. Now at the age of 38 I find myself having a second or maybe third adolencence where being real is the key focus. I now have five peircings (had six but one got infected), one tattoo, and regularly avoid the ironing board. Some might call it rebelling but I don't.
Sometimes I have to be reminded (thanks Peg) and other times I have to remind others. People think they know me which makes me laugh because I'm just getting to know myself. First, in order for me to be real, I need to face the ugly. Ugly can be fixed, stupid is forever and if I don't fix it now I never will. So what have I come to terms with in my quest to be real so far?
-I'm lonely
-I'm sad more often than people think
-I joke and am silly because I don't want to admit how sad and lonely I really am
-I've conceded to the fact I will never have children
-I've conceded to the fact I will never have a boyfriend or marry
-I don't think I deserve either one
I've started to take antidepressants, something that I should've started taking over 10 years ago. Are they helping? Yes, I think so, at least I don't feel like ripping someones head off due to PMS.
Sometimes I have to be reminded (thanks Peg) and other times I have to remind others. People think they know me which makes me laugh because I'm just getting to know myself. First, in order for me to be real, I need to face the ugly. Ugly can be fixed, stupid is forever and if I don't fix it now I never will. So what have I come to terms with in my quest to be real so far?
-I'm lonely
-I'm sad more often than people think
-I joke and am silly because I don't want to admit how sad and lonely I really am
-I've conceded to the fact I will never have children
-I've conceded to the fact I will never have a boyfriend or marry
-I don't think I deserve either one
I've started to take antidepressants, something that I should've started taking over 10 years ago. Are they helping? Yes, I think so, at least I don't feel like ripping someones head off due to PMS.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
What a difference a year makes
This time last year I was burying my cat Cleo and hating my living situation. After 12 months, I've lifted the rocks from the river and have let the waters flow in order to make progress in my life.
A year later I've adopted two kitties, I've taken proactive measures and obtained my CHT and am starting to put the foundations of my own practice to work and I have also moved from said ghetto into a new house in a great neighborhood. So what have I learned over the last 12 months?
1)There are times to fight and times to concede; pick your battles
2)Sometimes letting go is the most humane thing to do
3)Best make changes before changes are made for you
4)Sometimes an all pink bathroom isn't the best choice
5)When you feel like you're slipping...sometimes it's better to fall then have someone pull you up by the ears with their teeth.
I'm anxious to see what 2011 teaches me.
A year later I've adopted two kitties, I've taken proactive measures and obtained my CHT and am starting to put the foundations of my own practice to work and I have also moved from said ghetto into a new house in a great neighborhood. So what have I learned over the last 12 months?
1)There are times to fight and times to concede; pick your battles
2)Sometimes letting go is the most humane thing to do
3)Best make changes before changes are made for you
4)Sometimes an all pink bathroom isn't the best choice
5)When you feel like you're slipping...sometimes it's better to fall then have someone pull you up by the ears with their teeth.
I'm anxious to see what 2011 teaches me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)