Cicatriz*

I have a lot of war scars that really I should be in awe for having but gross me out to no extent. The physical ones, they are like tattoos I never asked for.  I tried to get them erased once, a roommate saw them and said "looks like the pattern on Charlie Brown's sweater".  I laughed it off but inside I was embarrassed.   My love life is pretty much extinct.  Even the inkling of a relationship bring up fear and anxiety of having to explain these parasites.   I have other scars, one from being on the receiving end of someone not checking the window to see if someone was behind the swinging door before opening it, another from a fall I took after falling out of the car, I even have one conveniently placed on my jugular.  I had a complete stranger ask me once, "what's that from" I thought it was extremely rude so I told them I was stabbed with a knife and concocted this gruesome story...they quietly walked away. 

When I was born, I almost died.  The nurse told my mom I was a fighter.  She could tell because for that short time she did hold me she could feel it.  I wonder what she felt because I don't feel like much of a fighter.  I spend too much time alone and have perfected the skill of over analyzing things which in turn makes me socially awkward and left standing on the sidelines. It's funny how the one thing that does prove I'm a fighter makes me cower and resort to hiding myself from myself and others.  When I'm asked why I have low self esteem or great dislike for myself one word comes up and that it cicatriz.

I know I should just get over this "woe es me" feeling I also know I should be grateful I am alive, have a house, a car, and a job and I am. These scars are holding me back and just ONCE, I would like to know what it's like to just be thought of or have someone want to be with me just because they want to not because they are bored, trying to use me, get back at someone else or (and I cringe) feel obligated.   Honestly, it's been so long that I don't remember what another persons intimate touch feels like, physically or emotionally.  I'm just going through the motions of life watching everyone else "get it" metaphorically and literally. 

*Spanish for scar